Mary Lenore Coltrin

Very hard times.....

It is so hard to see your child lose a child. What should have been just a totally happy occasion is now shared with extreme sadness. We are still overjoyed that little Mary Lenore has joined the family.

Ruth, if you don't want to read the rest of the blog, now is a good place to stop.

Heart break: I waited in the car with Andrew and Emmy while Ruth went back to see the doctor for results of the ultrasound. As soon as I saw her walk out with the nurse I knew the unthinkable has happened. She did not have to say a word. She sobbed on the nurses shoulder. I knew that if I hugged her I would be totally gone and not be able to function or to drive.

I asked what the next step was and she told me that she was to go home and wait until the scheduled C-section the next day. I asked if Derek knew yet, she said no. Well....That was the next step in my mind. I would want my husband to hold me so tight that he would almost be standing on the other side of me. So I drove to the pizza store. I went in and Derek was talking to an employee giving her directions to a customer. I did not say a word but motioned for him to follow me. He came out to the car and Ruth got out. He hugged her and she sobbed. He asked what was wrong and she told him. They hugged a long time and my heart was just breaking for them. I took Ruth home and Derek came a few minutes after. His mother Marti also came. I knew I could not talk much. So I started keeping busy picking up toys and such. Marti called Brother LaMonica and he in turned called Brother Lay. They would be coming to give them blessings.

After the brethren came they talked a little bit with Ruth and Derek. It was hard because brother LaMonica is hard of hearing and none of us could talk very loud. They gave the blessings and Brother LaMonica stayed for a few minutes more. Ruth kept having contractions and so she called the clinic. They told her to go on into the hospital. Marti would take Andrew and Emmy, and I would try to go to work that night. I picked out a little outfit from a bag of baby shower things. As soon as I picked out the sleeper Marti said, "Oh, that is the one I picked out". I quickly ran to the store to buy a new blanket. I would take these to the hospital that night.

I went home but there was no way I would sleep. I finally layed in bed and drifted off for about 45 minutes. Then I got up and called Derek. I was hoping against hope that a mistake had been made and the baby would be alive. But he told me that Ruth was still in the recovery room. I told him I would be there in a half an hour. I went and found Ruth asleep in her room. The nurse asked me if I wanted to see the baby. I followed her to the nursery. The baby was wrapped in a blanket. At first I just looked at her then the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. I held her gently and let my heart talk to hers. She was beautiful even though she was changing colors already. I wondered if Ruth would be able to see her baby in this condition. It would be hard and I would some how have to prepare her.

I went back to see Ruth. I told her that the baby was so pretty and that she would have to see past all the discoloration and see her features. She looked so much like Emmy. I was hoping Ruth would find the strength to hold her baby and be comforted.

Then it was time for me to go to work. I told her to just call me and that I would check on her later. I went to Rehab. They all knew that I had asked for the next night off, so the day nurse asked "so how is grandma?" Ofcourse my eyes well up and I have to shake my head. She asked what is wrong and I told her. Well she made the executive decision to call in a replacement. I pulled myself together and did a few nursey things until the nurse arrived. Naomi called to check on things. I asked her to call the others, She said she would. The replacement nurse arrived and I gave her a report and was back with Ruth within the hour. I was so glad I could be there with her.

I watched her sleep and found a nap or two myself. I was awake when she was awake. And shared in her loss. Everyone was so kind to her. She was in such good hands. The Holy Comforter was also with her. She had such a peace to her and she was able to spend time with little Mary.

This thursday they will say good bye to their baby for a while. She will continue to be in our family, in our hearts, and in our lives. She is my 19th grandchild. Perfect in every way. In fact, so perfect that she did not have to live on this earth. She will be waiting for us to join her. We look forward to that day.

So to all of you that send prayers and comfort our way, we say thank you.

To little Mary Lenore I say "Bye, Bye for now. Love, Gram"